Friday, October 12, 2007

Just your typical Ax Lady day.

Today started as any normal day would. Kids up way too early; first quiet, then running around, screaming and laughing like hyenas over some video game they were playing. My first thought? Coffee, and lots of it. Come to think of it, I didn't even get a cup. I remember making it, but I do not remember opening my new bottle of creamer. I decided to go to Home Depot as soon as my husband woke up. We had a drawer in the kitchen mysteriously break on us a few weeks ago, and it's just not gotten fixed. It's been laying on the kitchen floor next to the wall. It was still laying there last night when Big Boss Man slammed his little toe into the corner of it (that's actually when the Home Depot trip was planned). So I bought the sliders I needed and returned home, delighted that something else in the house would be fixed. I had installed the sliders on the drawer itself when Big Boss Man called me from the basement (not a good sign recently). I joined him downstairs where he wanted me to take a whack at getting a broken light bulb out of the socket. No biggie, I thought, as a potato had always worked for me. This time, however, there were no glass shards coming from the socket...only the metal light bulb base. Great.

So we grabbed a pair of needle-nose pliers and start twisting and turning (yes, they had rubber grips). Nothing. Well, not nothing...we bent both the bulb base and the socket quite well, if I do say so myself. Since we were in the basement, and no one really spends time down there at all, we agreed to switch out this fixture with one exactly like it about 8 feet away that never got used. Easy solution. All was going well...we'd switched fixtures and all that was left was to tighten the "new" fixture back into place and flip the breakers (by this time we had actually turned them off).

Did you know that a power screwdriver has enough torque to not only turn a screw, but to turn it so hard that it will crack a ceramic light fixture? I knew that. I truly think Big Boss Man knew that too, but it certainly didn't dawn on him as he tightened the last screw. I thought I might pee my pants, I was laughing so hard ("I'm not laughing at you honey, I'm laughing with you!"). However, as I stated before, no one really hangs out in the basement, so who gives a flying leap about the fixture being broken? We don't, so we flipped the circuit breakers back on, and voilĂ !! Let there be light! Catastrophe numero uno, averted.

I climbed the stairs to continue with my kitchen drawer, but I started hearing this horrible knocking, clicking sound, and it grew louder with each stair. Apparently, turning the circuit breakers off is enough to kill a fish tank filter (that was probably on it's last legs anyway). The noise was incredible, so I dialed my aquarium (who I believe know me by name now, as I call or come in with so many questions...but hey, I buy lots of fish from them too!). My friendly neighborhood aquarium man advises me, but says if this doesn't work, then I need a new filter. Clearly, it didn't work. This is me we're talking about, and that would've been too easy. So I ran out to buy the new filter; $40 and about ½ hour later, catastrophe numero dos, averted.

Back I go, again, to fix my kitchen drawer...I WILL fix this drawer. I started removing the old cabinet slider parts, and I realized that they were completely Mickey Moused. Well since I have them taken apart already, I'll show them who's boss in this house, and I'll fix that too! I finished one side, then finished the other, slide the drawer in, and it falls. Completely fell out of one side of sliders. Huh? The drawer did work before it broke, and I bought the same exact sliders, installed in the same exact holes. So I put the drawer back in, thinking that magically it would work the second time...obviously I should've had my morning coffee. Slam! Yeah, fell again. It's time to take a break.

When I finally got the nerve to really go show this drawer who's boss (I guess I was just kidding the first time), I realized why it had been Mickey Moused in the first place. So I stood there, staring at the drawer (laying in the cabinet below where it was really supposed to be), and I put the Mickey Mouse fix right back where it was. Drawer works perfectly...good as new. Catastrophe numero tres, toast.

I figure if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!


Patrick Truax said...

You left out the part where I heroically held the flashlight, and stout heartedly kept the screws separated..

Elizabeth said...

You did ALL OF THAT without coffee?!?!??!?!?!!?!??!