Sunday, October 14, 2007

I'm passionate! I'm a passionate woman.

You know, I'm passionate about my children and family...they're #1 to me, and I'd die before I let anything happen to them. But I can't think of anything else that I'm truly passionate about.

I have many things in my life that I really like. I really like my job...working in the pharmacy is fulfilling; it has it's trying days when patients are upset over something or other, but for every one patient who yells at me, there are literally a hundred that don't. I like fitness, although I'm tormented every single day by the chips in the cupboard, or the ice cream in the freezer; most of the time, unfortunately, the goodies win over my iron will (or my lack thereof). I like fact, I'd almost stretch to say I'm passionate about food. Except that I'm passionate about eating, not food. I'm not a foodie, I'm an "eatie" (HA!). And as aforementioned, I tend to be passionate about eating the "wrong" things instead of the "right" things.

Having such a passionate indecision leads one through a quagmire of "where-is-my-life-going-itis". I'm now 29 years old (almost [gasp] 30), and I've got no clue where my life is headed. When I was little, I was always the one that would grow to drive a station wagon, groceries in the trunk, a dog and 16 kids hanging out the windows (let's leave the lack of a plan for carseats out of this, please...I was 8 fortheloveofPete!). That has not, and will not, happened. In high school, I was a music freak...choir, band, head drum major, musical theatre, if it held a tune, I was involved. But I was never good at music, if that makes sense. I loved the performance part of it, but the technical stuff got to me...I didn't read music well; it was always a stuggle. I used to get my hands on tapes of the piece I was learning, and play it by ear. Right? Nope. Did it get me A's in my class? Absolutely. I was also sure that I would become an English teacher. I had always done well in English, and it seemed fitting since my father was (and still is) a teacher. I don't know what made me stray from that idea, but I did.

Since then, life has truly been a whirlwind. Children, marriage, and a couple jobs later, I've got very little direction. When I started working in the pharmacy, I thought I'd found it. I love what I do, and I think I do it well (and my boss agrees). That is my tentative plan right now, to go to pharmacy school and become a pharmacist. I do remember, however, that I was never good at science. Biology sort of interested me, but chemistry? Nada. I'd like to think it was all the teacher's fault (and none of it mine, of course), but I doubt that's the case. If I were to go to pharmacy school, it would be a would be a definite struggle. So is it worth it? I know what pharmacists make (at least a roundabout figure). I also know how long they go to school for and how hard it is when you're a fast learner, let alone a slower one like me. And would it be fair to my patients if I was doing something I didn't feel passionate about? Or would I find that passion during or after going through school?

My mind has been wandering back to English. What would happen if I went back to college and majored in English? What would that get me? I could teach, but that is truly God's work, with all the horrifying things going on in schools these days. I could be an editor or a writer, but are those really constant, secure, money-making jobs? I have a family to worry about helping support. And again, is it fair (to students, readers, or myself) to do something for the rest of my life that I hold no passion for? No intense fire burning deep inside me that says "This is what I was meant to do!"? Or does that come with time for most people, and the ones who feel it from their first memories are the exception, not the rule?

So how does one decide? I've spent 10 years trying things on now, and nothing seems to fit quite right. I always thought life is like a good either fits, or it doesn't fit. But maybe, just maybe, it's truly like a great pair of shoes or takes time to work your way into them and to get that "made just for me" fit.

1 comment:

Elizabeth said...

Who's to say that you can't go back to school and take a couple of classes to see if that's your thing? Once your heart recognizes a good fit there isn't any doubt... and I think that's where the passion comes in. You just know.